Myth Makers July 10, 2018

Paul Ryan’s Bootleg Confession

“Bless me Father for I have sinned.”

Ryan:
Bless me my Father for I have sinned. My last confession was, ah, ah. Father, I don’t recall.

Priest:
This is God’s House, my son, not the People’s House as you call where you work. That is confusing to many. You are the Paul Ryan who is Speaker of the House of Representatives? Are you not?

Ryan:
Yes, Father. I am.

Priest:
Saying “I don’t recall” may not be a sin in your House, but here in God’s house it is.

Ryan:
But Father, isn’t that the same as saying “I forgot.” Forgetting is certainly not a sin.

Priest:
Willful forgetting is a sin. It’s neglect. You can fool some of your constituents some of the time, but you can’t fool God, my son.

Priest:

I read that you were responsible for causing the poor more pain when you passed the tax cut bill.

Ryan:

Father, it was a tax reform bill. Now taxes are fair for everyone. The poor will get better paying jobs, their incomes will grow, the economy will soar and this will once again be a taste of heaven on earth.

Priest:

Easy son. This is a confessional, not a campaign stop. Besides this is what you hope will be the outcome. There is no evidence. You are asking us to take it on faith. The Apostle Paul talked about Faith, Hope and Charity. Seems like the tax cuts, sorry reform, is all about faith? Where is the charity or love as the word is better understood?

Ryan:

As you know Father, my whole career in Washington–I like to think of it as a ministry–is dedicated to the poor. We are all created equal in God’s image, but politics in the name of helping the poor has actually made them worse. We all have talents, but too many poor in our cities have simply buried them.

Priest:

What do you mean “in the cities?”

Ryan:

I’m sorry, Father. Shorthand. It is easy to pick up the language of politics. The hostile media calls them code words the code words just to start an argument.

Priest:

That is why Jesus made our purpose on earth so simple and straightforward. We are to love our neighbors as we do ourselves. Here in Janesville [Ryan’s hometown] that is a lot easier to do than in those cities you just disparaged.

Ryan:

Father…I

Priest:

What about Jesus’ commandment to let the little children come unto him, without delay, without obstruction, with our the bureaucracy that you have helped create.

Ryan:

Father you know how are we have fought for the life of the unborn child. We…

Priest:

The concern of the Church is the entire life of the child, not just birth. It seems to me, and this will be the subject of my homily this Sunday, that your party blocks preschool public education, nutrition programs so critical to learning, preventive health, clean water. We saw the consequences of that political indifference in Flint, Michigan. And your party seems indifferent to the consequences of gun violence that disproportionately impact those cities you referred to.

Ryan: (losing patience)

Father, these are complicated mat…

Priest:

As the kids around here say, “Don’t go there.”

Ryan:

I know that penance is part of confession and confession is not complete and fully accepted in the eyes of God until we fulfill that penance.

Priest:

Yes. What did you…

Ryan:

I know it is your responsibility to assign penance. But I propose I simply quit my job and return to my family.

Priest:

God no. No Brother Ryan. No. That is not what God would want. You are the second in line to be president. We need a Catholic in that critical role. There you can fulfill the mission of the gospels without all this unfortunate carping and compromise.

Ryan:

But…

Priest:

No. That is not acceptable penance. Three days at the DC Central Kitchen in Washington would be more than adequate penance. Besides, you should be sure there is, what do they call it, 0h yes, a photo-op. This is as Martha did when she tended to the basic needs of Jesus. This would be a great example. And take a taxi back to your office or walk. Do some humility. Give your chauffeur the day off. Don’t even think about taking an Uber. You can say your rosaries by the time you get back to your office.

Ryan:

But, isn’t this a form of boasting. There is no humility here. It doesn’t square with the sins I’ve confessed.

Priest:

That’s may job. Don’t you worry about it.

God bless you, my son. Go and sin no more. Give my regards to your lovely wife Janna.

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good.

Ryan:

For His mercy endures forever.

Father, do you want those same tickets to the Packers game again this year?

Priest:

[In audible. Priest has left the confessional booth.]

 

 

 

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